Rule Number One, by Barry Ebert
I’ve been teaching Love and Logic © parenting workshops for over thirty years now, and I still start each workshop stating Rule Number One: Parents take good care of themselves. This takes many parents by surprise, since they often think it’s their job to take good care of the kids while putting their own needs at the bottom of the list. The truth is, our children will benefit greatly from being raised by folks who know how to take good care of themselves.
We’ve all heard a flight attendant tell us that, in the event of an emergency, if the oxygen masks drop down, parents, put your own mask on first. We can’t really take good care of our children as they grow if we don’t do the things that will keep us healthy, happy and growing as well. Parenting can be a stressful job and our self-care is crucial to being in the right frame of mind to do a good job at it.
Much of what children learn in our homes they learn from modeling. They watch us and see what we do and it draws their interest. When we meditate, work out, and spend time doing things that we love, they will have a powerful example right in front of them of what a healthy life can look like. When they see their parents working through tough times and maintaining a respectful, loving relationship, they are seeing what healthy relationships looks like. This will be a powerful guide when they step into their own relationships later on.
What we really want most for our children is that when they are away from us with their friends or when they finally move out on their own, that they know how to take care of themselves. We can lecture them or warn them about the world, but it’s much more effective to do our own work and provide an example. The lessons from our parents live inside us, good or bad, and those lessons either shine a light or cast a shadow on the way that our children look at the world.
Children are growing up in an amazing, fast moving, hi-tech society now, and it can seem that home and family just don’t have the pull that they exerted in the past. But home and family are still the place where we learn what’s most important to a fulfilling life. So parents, take good care of yourselves, and show your kids how it’s done.
Finding Balance In A Brave New World, by Barry Ebert
Parenting has always been a challenging job, with lots of unexpected twists and turns. And, though there has always been change, the pace has never been this fast.
Artificial Intelligence, or AI, is the latest twist to move into our culture, and it’s affecting all areas of our lives: work, education, recreation, relationships, and decision-making at every level of society. What was once the genre of science fiction writers is now a living reality, and families are feeling the effects of a technology-driven world that has invaded their homes.
The pandemic changed education and parenting forever, as I-pads were put into the hands of students from preschool on up to keep them in contact with their schools and teachers. The return to school has been a rough transition for students, teachers and parents as we all adjust to a world that is even more centered around watching screens. As AI development marches forward, the line between what is real and what is being created by machines will become more blurred.
Children growing up today will be the first generation tasked with merging artificial intelligence with human consciousness. Term papers can be created with the push of a button now. Book reports and research projects will be old news. Kids will learn different things in different ways. It’s a new frontier.
And where does Spirit fit into this equation? Is a belief in a power that is greater than humanity or technology still a part of the picture for our children now? Where is the balance between knowledge and wisdom? This is where parents and grandparents come in. We can’t stop the changes from happening , nor should we want to. But we can share whatever wisdom and spiritual practices we have with our young ones and help them connect with their inner life.
Emmet Fox once said The door to the soul opens inward. It would be well for us to remember that now and pass that piece of wisdom on to the children around us. The culture they grow up in will continue to move faster and seem more alluring. They will be able to create alternate personalities for themselves in the metaverse. They can be constantly entertained, stimulated and distracted by machines.
But if they are to find meaning and a sense of connection, they will need to do the work that humans have always done. It’s an inside job, and it’s learned at home and in spiritual community. Let’s help them do that work.
The Power of Empathy, by Barry Ebert
“Children become confused when parents become rigid, holding rules above love. Be consistently flexible. Hold tight only to compassion.” ~ William Martin, The Parents Tao Te Ching
There are probably no words less comforting to a child who has made a mistake than “I told you so!” Can any of us remember enjoying hearing that message from our parents when we’d blown it somehow? How about “maybe this will teach you a lesson.” That’s another good one.
It seems that, when our children are born, these parental clichés are installed in our brains and they continue to blurt out at the worst of times. The main reason we say them is because we think we’re right and we want our offspring to know it and learn their lessons from our hard-earned wisdom. Guess what? We probably are right. And have any of us found that being right has helped our relationships grow stronger and more loving?
I was fortunate enough to discover the book Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Dr. Foster Cline when our children were very small. One of the cardinal rules of their school of thought is: “whenever possible, let empathy and consequences do the teaching, rather than anger and punishment.” That one concept has been a life-changer for me.
Our children are going to make mistakes. When we treat these mistakes as learning opportunities and keep our anger and self-righteousness out of the equation, they can learn their lessons more quickly and our relationships can grow stronger through the process.
I was recently teaching a Parenting Teens with Love and Logic workshop at a local high school. On the first night, the parents expressed their frustration and all of the problems they were having with their teenagers. The parents’ homework was to have a “thinking state discussion” sometime during the next week with their child about something they considered important. The only rules: find a time when neither parent nor child is angry, listen more than you talk, and keep it short.
The following week I could feel a tangible energetic shift in the room. Almost every parent had a good experience with the exercise. Their children were still essentially the same as they were the week before. But the parents had tasted the power of empathy and compassion in their own lives and were determined to stick with it. That will indeed teach their children a lesson.
The Thinking State Discussion, by Barry Ebert
“As immortal right now as you will ever be, underneath this blanket of stars. Always remember what a beautiful child you are.” ~ from the song Beautiful Child by Barry Ebert
When our children move into their glorious pre-teen years and begin to push back against us, we clearly have to up our game as parents. We can’t protect them or just tell them what to do anymore. It doesn’t work. But we don’t have to lose touch with our children during this monumental shift either. We can talk to them.
This part of the journey sends our beloved offspring headlong into the biggest forest of changes they will ever face. The shepherd teachers of elementary school are gone and the multiple scenes and characters of their lives begin to take precedence over childhood things. Hormones kick in, and add the biggest spice they’ve ever been given to mix with their lives and thoughts. Is it any wonder that their grades start to drop?
At this time it’s easy for parents to let their fears get the best of them, and fear often shows up as anger. We want to get them back in line. They’re pulling in the opposite direction. They’re learning how to stand their ground. It gets emotional because our hearts are so invested in them.
The most powerful tool I have discovered for talking with pre-teens and teens (or anyone really) is what I call the “thinking state discussion.” The essential condition is that both parties must be in the thinking state when the discussion takes place. Parents must lead the way and resist moving to the emotional state. Hold your ground with peace in your heart. Ask questions. Breathe through it. Keep it short. The car is the best place because they know when and where they can get out and say goodbye. Listen as much as you can. Hang in there. If you’re not feeling respected, end it with a simple “I’m not feeling respected right now. We can come back to it.”
I call the Parenting Teens with Love and Logic workshop “a self improvement course that your kids trick you into taking.” The thinking state discussion is the first week’s homework. Week two always starts with some heartfelt stories of a parent really talking to their kid for the first time in a long time. When their changes come, we have to change our style too, and remember that they’re still that same beautiful child that they’ve always been. Just the packaging has changed.